Maximum Therapy
by INKSPELL'D
Summary: Everybody knows that EVERYONE in Maximum Ride needs some serious therapy, and I'm just the person to do it! A fanfiction in which Max is obsessed with plans, Fang loves sun-burnt hippos, and much, much more!
1. Max Goes to Therapy

**Oh, if only I owned Maximum Ride. Instead of the stupid eco-friendly love story James Stupid Patterson has turned it into, I would make it a high-flying, action-packed, oh-my-gosh-Fang's-half-Eskimo adventure! But no. Not my decision. Sigh…**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Maximum Therapy

Rachel: Hello. My name is Dr. Rachel and we're here to—

Audience Member1: You're not a certified doctor!

-Rachel calmly zaps Audience Member1 with ray gun then smiles-

Rachel: Like I was saying, I'm Dr. Rachel and today we're going to fix some of the characters from Maximum Rides' mental illnesses. Today I think we have… Max!

-Max appears with straightjacket on-

Max: WHERE AM I!? WHERE'S MY FLOCK! THEY NEED TO FOLLOW MY ORDERS!!

-huddles up in fetal position and eye twitches- There's always a plan there's always a plan there's always a plan!

Rachel: We're in deeper than I thought.

Max: -foams at mouth-

Rachel: Uh, okay then. Max, tell me when this all started.

Max: It all started when I was born …

Rachel: Yes, I've realized that.

Max: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!! HANG ON TO EVERY WORD I SAY!

Rachel: …

Max: It all started when I was born, older than everyone else.

Rachel: …Can I speak now?

Max: Permission granted.

Rachel: Max, you've got control issues.

-Fang appears from nowhere-

Fang: You got that right sistah!

Rachel & Max: SHUT UP FANG!

-Rachel rolls up newspaper and chases Fang-

Rachel: Shoo, you mindless fool! Shoo!

-Fang disappears-

Rachel: Now, then. Max, maybe do you think that you could let someone else be leader for a little while? Hitch a ride to Miami or Las Vegas?

-Max pouts and looks at feet- I guess…

Rachel: Good, now ca—

Max: I WASN'T FINISHED!! THERE'S ALWAYS A PLAN!!

Rachel: …

Max: Like I was SAYING, I guess I could, but my flock needs me. I'm like their mother. I always have been until Jeb disappeared. If I stepped down, who would take over? Fang? Angel? Hell no! What I'm trying to say is that I need them as much as they need me. Would YOU give up your precious A:TLA action figure collection?

-Several people in the audience cry and give standing ovations-

-Rachel hits Max repeatedly over the head with her new air glider based off of Aang's air glider-

In stores now!

Rachel: DON'T! YOU! DARE! SAY! ANYTHING! ABOUT! MY! AVATAR! COLLECTION!!!!

-Hits repeatedly until Max is knocked out-

Rachel: Uh… Well that's it for today, folks! I think Max is cured!

Audience: YAY!!

Max: -gurgle-

Rachel: Next time we'll fix Fang's mental illness. Want to find out? WELL BE PATIENT!!


	2. Fang Goes to Therapy

**I don't own Fang or Max or the series… I also don't own my own pencil or cardboard box or cereal company. But one can dream…**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Maximum Therapy

Rachel: Hello my dearest viewers whom of the majority most likely have ADD, OCD, IDD, HDSKDHCUDIWSJCD, and various other mental illnesses! I'm Dr. Rachel, and we're here to pinpoint and cure the characters form Maximum Ride's mental illnesses!

Audience Member23 (who is an English teacher): Find a different phrase! You've used 'mental illnesses' 15 times now! And watch your syntax, young lady! You've—

-Rachel presses button and Audience Member23 disappears into the jaws of a green-and-black monster with razor-sharp teeth named Gregory-

Rachel: So today we have Fang, who inadvertently appeared on our last episode because OLD MAN JACKSON over there couldn't get the coordinates right!

Old Man Jackson: I'm sorry! It won't happen again, I swear! Just don't give my face to Koh!

Rachel:-rolls eyes- Well anyway, HERE'S FANG!

Audience: YAY!

-Fang appears with straightjacket on-

Fang: …

Rachel: …

Fang: …

Rachel: …

Fang: …

Rachel: …

Fang: …

Rachel: …

Fang: …

Rachel: OKAY! Enough of that! Time to evaluate your mental illness! Fang, tell me a little about yourself.

Fang: …Like what?

Rachel: Well, let's start with your favorite color.

Fang: Black.

Rachel: Eh…favorite animal?

Fang: Black jaguars.

Rachel: Car?

Fang: Black jaguar.

Rachel: GAH! How about computer?

Fang: Black dell.

Rachel: Food!?

Fang: Burnt toast.

Rachel: HIPPOPOTAMUS!?!?!?!!

Fang: A sun burnt one.

Rachel: They're red! HA! Gotcha!!

Fang: Not if they stay in the sun too long.

Rachel: YOU DIE TODAY!!!!!

-An extremely large fight breaks loose in which Rachel chases Fang around the studio. The Audience breaks into teams and fight amongst themselves whether an apricot crossed with a plum should be called a plupricot or a plout. Viewers around the world fight for the same reason until the production company decides it's all too violent and cut to a panda eating bamboo-

-30 minutes later-

Rachel:-smoothes down hair and sits in chair- So Fang, would you like to hear your diagnosis?

Fang: …

Rachel: You have a major case of dementia. You are one demented little boy.

Fang: Good. Cause if I heard ONE MORE person say I was emo—

Rachel:-hasn't heard Fang- And you're also emo and a bit bipolar.

Fang: OH NO YOU DI'INT!

Rachel: YOU BEST BELIEVE!

-Cuts to panda eating bamboo-

-15 minutes later-

Audience Member12: Can we leave now? I wanna go home.

Audience Member34: My leg is broken!

Rachel: No and don't care.

Fang: So how do you cure me?

Rachel: We do basically the opposite of your mental illnesses! Dementia? Give 'im a math book! Emo? Make him wear a tutu! Bipolar? Zap him a few hundred times until he makes up his mind! That simple!

Fang: I don't wanna get zapped! Or maybe I do….

Rachel:-zaps Fang- How bout now?

Fang: No! I don't—

-Rachel zaps Fang again-

Fang: Stop!

-And again-

Fang: Max won't—

-And again-

Rachel: Excellent. We have cured the bipolarness!

Fang: -groan-

-Fang disappears-

Rachel: What just happened!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!!?

Old Man Jackson: Don't feed my face to Koh! He paid me 20 bucks!

Rachel: Ugh!

Audience: FINALLY!

Rachel: Well, I guess that's it for today. Next time it's Iggy. YOU WILL GET YOURS, OLD MAN JACKSON!!

Old Man Jackson:-whimpers-


	3. Iggy Goes to Therapy

**I do not own Maximum Ride, or the Beatles, or that other band whose song is on here. I also do not own my own science textbook, science textbook page, paragraph, or sentence. With all sincerity, that is **_**really**_** one of my life's goals. Not joking. And still I do not own one. Sigh…**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Maximum Therapy

-Rachel puts on Einstein outfit-

Rachel: 'Ello, mey zeerest voowers who mnust veely zike mey shoow to haf staid heer zis long. Mey nam ees Albert Einstein, und ee am froom Germundy!

Audience Member14: You mean burgundy, not Germundy.

Rachel: Yes my dearest idiot I'm from burgundy! Sometimes I wonder if people watch this show because they like it or because they're too stupid to find the exit!

Rachel: Eenyvay. Tooduy vee are callzing mey zeer friend Iggy to come geet zee zerapy 'ee needz deespeartly!

-Iggy appears-

Iggy: Hey, I'm not in the air anymore! What happened?

Rachel: -who has gotten sick of speaking and typing in a German accent- Hello, Iggy! Don't think you're in an interrogation, 'casue you're not! You've met me before though! I knocked you out with chloroform **(AE: That's the real way to spell it, I swear!)** a couple days ago!

Iggy: Albert Einstein?

Rachel: No not Albert Einstein! It's me, Potatostien's co host in her interrogations! How did you know I was in an Albert Einstein suit?

Iggy: Because you're sick of reminding yourself that I can't see when you want me to see things so you made me un-blind for the show to make your life easier.

Rachel: I'm smart!

Iggy: But anyway YOU did that to me?! People lose like, a million brain cells from that!

Rachel: Tough elbows! Deal with it.

Iggy: =/

Rachel: Well, Iggy, since I have a death threat looming over me if I hurt you, I can't knock you out with chloroform again anyway. I wouldn't nevertheless, because I read in my therapy manual from the 1880s that that messes up your psychiatric places in your head too, and I guess that's a bad thing if I'm trying to cure you of your mental illnesses.

Iggy: …Okay so what ARE my mental illnesses?

Rachel: Well right now I can tell you you're a pyromaniac.

Iggy: -nods- Something I'm proud of.

Rachel: And I don't think you'll ever be cured of that.

Iggy: -yawns- True true…

Rachel: How DARE you tire during your therapy session! You should be GRATEFUL I let you in here without any pay!

Iggy: Okay sorry! I've just been to too many of these things. Not always in fanfiction form, but sometimes in people's thoughts just before they fall asleep they think up stuff like this, and I always have to go through it! So you'd imagine I get bored after a while!

Rachel: Are you always bored, Iggy?

Iggy: EXCRUCIATINGLY!! You have no clue how terrible those air shows are! I just—I just can't stand it anymore! –Iggy starts crying on Rachel's shoulder-

Rachel: -pats Iggy's back- There there, my little winged friend. We'll make it through this. COMMERCIAL!!!!!

-The screen flashes to panda eating bamboo-

Rachel: -is heard off screen- Curse it all, Old Man Jackson! You messed up again! Must I do everything by myself?!

-Fighting is heard along with the sound of a frying pan against skull. Suddenly the panda gets up and walks away from his scene of eating bamboo, but the screen remains fixated on that spot. More fighting is heard, along with a great bear roar-

Random Woman(who I guess took care of the panda): No, Mr. Snuffles! You were such a good bear!

-More roaring. Audience members scream in terror. Ripping sounds are heard. For a second the scene cuts to the set. The camera is knocked down on its side, and a woman off screen is screeching about her face while Iggy is taking to the air and Rachel is pressing random buttons, shouting the word commercial over and over. Old Man Jackson is nowhere to be found-

**_COMMERCIAL_**

Narrator: Ever wish you could go back to the good ol' days where your lawn was never tread on and your mutants stayed in their cages like good little experiments?

Crazy Old Scientist:-raises cane in air- You best believe, sonny!

Narrator: Well the good ol' days are here again, in this album! It has the classic songs like, _I Wanna Hold Your Ray Gun_, _Save the Last Recumbent Life Form for Me_, and _Everybody's got Something to Hide Except for Basically the Entire Underground Science Industry and My Monkey-Boy_, and much, much more!

Crazy Old Scientist4: These songs changed the world. I have a monkey-boy, too, and he loves these songs!

Monkey-Boy(who is in a cage): -reaches arm through metal bars- Help… me…

Narrator: This album has all of the songs you loved when you were a young chap in the 1943 Genocide grafting fish fins to little boys and girls!

Crazy Old Scientist54: I love this album!

Other Narrator: Topurchase$39.99apackagewiththecostsofshippingandhandling. Pleasecallthenumberatthebottomeofthescreenfordetails.

**_END COMMERCIAL_**

Rachel: -takes no notice to the mess the set is in- Well Iggy, how do you feel?

-Iggy is sitting in a chair across from Rachel sucking on a lollipop-

Iggy: Fine and dandy, Dr. Rachel! And by the way, you're still wearing the Einstein suit.

Rachel(who is fully aware she is still wearing her Einstein suit, and is very proud of aforementioned suit): I know, Iggy. I know.

Iggy: So what next?

Rachel: Well, in attempt to cure your pyromaniacricy**(AN: Ah, but I do not know how that is spelled. Sorry)**, we're going to put you in an ice room filled with water and subzero temperatures. How does that sound?

Iggy: Absolutely terrible.

Rachel: …

Iggy: So when do we start?

Rachel: Right now!

-Rachel tries to grab Iggy and take him in the Ice Tank, which I have decided to call it, but Iggy flies up too fast for her to catch him and out a window-

Rachel: Why do they always escape before I can do anything!?

Rachel: Curse it all, Old Man Jackson! I told you to have all the windows taken out before I called upon any of the Maximum Ride characters!

Young Man Jackson: But My Pa's in the hospital! I'm the one in charge of that stuff now.

Rachel: Sorry for the inconvenience, Young Man Jackson.

Young Man Jackson: 'S alright, missy.

Rachel: So next time we have Nudge! Yaaay!

Audience: Yaaaaaaay….

Rachel: YOU WILL GET YOURS, OLD AND YOUNG MAN JACKSON!!

Young Man Jackson: What'd I do!?

**_SOMEWHERE IN A HOSPITAL_**

Old Man Jackson: Oh no!

Random Nurse: Old Man Jackson, is something wrong?

Old Man Jackson: -suddenly turns dark and prophetic- A long and bitter war is comin'.

Random Nurse: …..

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Omg!!! I'm so sorry it took me so long!! I couldn't work on this over the weekend cause I can only do it at school, cause I haven't really got a computer with Internet at home, if you can even call it a computer, the old rust frootket.**

**Will the Monkey-boy ever be saved?**

**How will those albums sell?**

**Will Old Man Jackson ever wage war against me?**

**Will I ever take off my Einstein outfit?**

**Will Old Man Jackson ever have a descendant that doesn't speak like they're from the Old West?**

**Hardly any of these questions and more will be answered in the next issue of**

_**Maximum Therapy**_


	4. Nudge Goes to Therapy

**I do not own maximum ride. It is late and Gazzy should be asleep.**

**Welcome to Nudge's session!**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Maximum Therapy

-Rachel turns around in her chair to face the camera, stroking her Chihuahua-

Rachel: Good morrow, dear viewers! A thanks to thee for these reviews! They art wonderful!

Peanut (Rachel's Chihuahua): AR! AR AR AR AR AR!! AR AR AR AR AR AR AR ARHK!!!

Rachel: Excuse her. That's just how she barks. It's not stereotypical but I zove her anyvay! Ishin't dat right, my Peanut puppeh dawggie?

Peanut: AR! AR AR AR AR!!!

Rachel: Quiet, Juba. **(AN: That's just what I call her; Juba, Pa-Juba, Juba-jube, Pa-Juba-Juba, etc. But her real name is Peanut.)**

Peanut: Arrrgg….

Rachel: Well anyway, I'm Dr. Rachel and today we're calling Nudge here to put her through the therapy that she (along with everyone having to do with Maximum Ride, including the writer and most of the readers like myself) really, really needs. So, without further ado, here's Nudge!

-Nudge appears with straightjacket on-

Nudge: Where am I? Where's that rock I was holding? Why doesn't Max ever talk to me? Why am I here? Why do remotes for TVs have useless buttons that nobody ever uses? Where's Fang? Why is his hair as long as Mt. Everest is tall in the manga? How—

Rachel: Oh my gosh, Nudge! Shut up!

Nudge: But where AM I? Can—

-Rachel duct tapes Nudge's mouth shut. Mumbling is heard-

Rachel: All better. As for your questions; You're on a TV-ish-but-not-really show in which you will be going through therapy, I don't allow things you're holding to come through when you're transported here in case Iggy or Gazzy are holding bombs, Max is in a very fragile state of mind right now and probably only talks to herself these days, they're for controlling the universe, Fang's probably with everyone else, and you should go ask the person who made the manga who's 19 and living with his parents somewhere in Korea. I'm angry about that, too.

Nudge: Mmmph! Ugff limph mouf ouf uf!

Rachel: What's that?

Nudge: -sigh-

Rachel: Well Nudge, are you ready for your session of therapy?

Nudge: T.T

Rachel: It's free.

Nudge: ^.^

Rachel: Okay this is annoying. Facial expressions, even adorable keyboard smilies, are not words and cannot be heard. –rips duct tape from nudge's mouth- But if you continue to talk like a raging hog-monke—

Nudge: I lIkE tO tAlK lIkE tHiS!

Rachel: Nudge! None of the Audience can hear you speaking in upper- and lower-case letters! Quit making me type more!

Nudge: Okay jeez.

Rachel: Now, Nudge, take a seat.

Nudge: -sitting- Why are you trying to give me therapy, Albert Einstein? I thought you were a man of science, not psychology. You did the e=mc^2, didn't you? They all say it's supposed to be some mass stuff, but everybody knows that it really means euphoria= many carrots squared. I mean, duh. Did you know that in the fifth book Angel wears tutus like, all the time? It's really stupid. And Max—

Rachel: Nudge! Sty zitta! I'm not Albert Einstein! I'm just wearing an Albert Einstein suit! This isn't my hair! It's sheep!

Hair: Baa-aa.

Rachel: -pats hair- Good sheep.

Nudge: You're weird.

Rachel: You're normal.

Nudge: I have wings.

Rachel: I have toad feet.

Audience Member75: You do not!

Rachel: Haven't you LEARNED what happens to Audience Members that speak out of turn on this show?

Audience Member75: -whimper-

Rachel: That's what I thought. And yes, I do have toad feet. So did Albert Einstein. He is my adoptive father.

Nudge: -sigh- I don't even want to say how much that doesn't make sense.

Rachel: Nudge, why do you think you talk so much?

Nudge: -sniff- No one ever gives me hugs! I live in a bottomless pit of loneliness and despair! I try to fill the void with my voice, but I'm never truly whole! –breaks into sobs-

Rachel: -rubs Nudge's back- It's okay, Nudge. We know how neglected you are in the books. James Patterson just doesn't see how important EVERYONE in the flock is. Right now it's just Max and Fang angst, and—oh! Look! MORE Max and Fang angst! Look they kissed! Oh no, Max doesn't except him! Okay, now it's time to be sorry for Fang… Really it's over done.

Nudge: -sniff- You're right.

Rachel: Nudge, I do believe you have… -leafs through medical book- anthrophobia. Yes, that's it.

Nudge: Wh-what's anthrophobia?

Rachel: -lightly- Why, that's the fear of flowers!

Nudge: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIHHHHHHEEEESSSSSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQQQQQKKKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLNNNNNMMMMMMMMMMDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-at the mention of the word flower Nudge jumps up, flips over the couch and table, roaring all the while. Rachel leaps up to a safe spot in the rafters while body guards attempt to constrain Nudge-

-15 minutes later-

Rachel: ARE YOU COMFORTABLE, NUDGE?

-Nudge is behind a glass hut two feet thick with a table in the middle-

Nudge: -smiles and does a thumbs-up-

Rachel: OKAY, NUDGE. HERE IS HOW WE CURE YOUR PHOBIAS. STEP ONE: PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS BILLBOARD WHILE WE SNEAK IN AND PUT STUFF ON THAT TABLE. ALSO, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE TABLE.

Nudge: -cocks head to one side and mouths the word:- _Phobi_as_?_ –but is soon distracted by the billboard pulled into the studio. All that was on it was the color green, and the word _green_ in green. No one noticed this, of course, but the billboard, who really likes the word _green_, and wants his favorite word to be noticed, but sadly green cannot be seen on green. Nudge is completely mesmerized-

-Two body guards sneak in the glass door to the glass hut, carrying a vase **(AN: I pronounce vaaaaze.)** of flowers and a plate with 3 peanut butter sandwiches. With no milk! (dundundun) They quickly set the things on the table and run out of there like no tomorrow-

Rachel: YOU CAN LOOK AWAY NOW, NUDGE.

-Nudge looks away to the table and the billboard disappears, absolutely terrified-

Nudge: OOOOOOHHHH MYYYYYYYY GGGOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOLY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!! GET THOSE THINGS THE **HECK** AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHh!!!! –starts clawing at the glass-

Rachel: THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! –turns to audience-

See, viewers? My predictions were correct. Not only does Nudge have anthrophobia, the fear of flowers, but I have gathered that she also has arachibutyrophobia, the fear of getting peanut butter stuck at the top of her mouth. Nudge needs to conquer these fears, and perhaps some of that void she's living will become whole…er…

-Nudge is still screaming-

PoliceMan: Stop right there!

Rachel: Why, whatever's the problem, officer?

PoliceMan: -looking passed Rachel at Nudge- You, you there! You're under arrest!

Nudge:-continues to scream-

-Police Man and his forces break into the glass hut, even though it wasn't locked, because policemen are just like that. They try to apprehend Nudge, but she goes even more insane and goes into a flurry of knocking them all out-

Rachel: Oops, I forgot. Our little winged friend also has fearingpoliceissmartaphobia, which is the fear of policemen, or authority… hehe

Nudge: YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEEEEE!!! –flies out of window-

Rachel: Really? Again? The window?

Audience: -sarcastically- Awww, man!

-Police force slowly reawaken-

Rachel: Okay, so with the remaining time, we'll have a party with the force! Nudge is cured!

-Everybody except for the audience since they're locked in a cage partys like it's 1999-

Rachel: Hey, Young Man Jackson, is Old Man Jackson out of the hospital yet?

Young Man Jackson: Yep. But my pa' went back to the farm and said he was thinkin' up a plan that could squash you like opossum on a dry winter's day under the chicken feed.

Rachel: Curse you, Old Man Jackson and your upsurd similies!

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Yayayayayayayayayayaaay! Yeah, so I pretty much look like a jerkface right now, making you fans wait for such a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong long long long looooong time for this chapter. And it would make me even MORE of a jerkface if I had any kind of excuse prepared for your extended wait. Either way, I'm a jerkface. Know what would make me even MORE of a jerkface? If I'd tell you that it would probably be a looooong wait again. And I am. D:**

**But seriously, I AM trying to get on track. And now I'm proposing an interactive thing for you people who will bother to read any of this after I've shunned you for a long time: Who do you want to go through one of my sessions next? And I'll try my best to put you in the fic, too!! Yay redemption!**

**THE PEOPLE LEFT TO CURE ARE: GAZZY, ANGEL, JEB, MAYBE ARI DEPENDING ON THOSE WHO WANT IT, AND JAMES PATTERSON.**


	5. Angel Goes to Therapy With Some Guests

**You might want to read this stuff if you want ANY CLUE to what's gonna happen. To those who just skip my beloved Authors' Notes in the beginning and ends of my stories; go jump in a lake of molten lava! Go ahead! Jump! I don't care! –cries-**

**Okay, so by popular demand (and by popular demand I mean TWO VOTES), this is going to be Ari's chapter. But sometimes you guys make some really weird decisions, so I made the decision for you and this chapter is really going to be on Angel cause I couldn't wait to see what would happen… BWAHAHAHAHAHAAWSH!!!**

**Also, the ONLY person WHO ASKED to be in this fic is Evilhunterperson, but instead of being selfish and wanting HERSELF to be in it, she very unselfishly wanted one of her characters from her story, Death Defying Connor, a story about a kid named Connor who dies a lot, to appear in this chapter. But because I'm so nice, I'm gonna put in both. **

**Because I'm so nice.**

**And so starts the fifth chapter, with Angel, Connor the guy who dies a lot, and Evilhunterperson.**

**Enjoy, you ****free loaders**** kindly viewers! XD**

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Maximum Therapy

Rachel: Salve! Buonasera! You have inadvertently stumbled upon a fic called Maximum Therapy, in which the characters from Maximum Ride go through, uh… therapy!

Audience Member11: You're five chapters late! That should've been from the introduction on the FIRST chapter!

Rachel: Crap!

Audience Member11: Yay I wasn't killed!

Rachel: You're stupid! EVERYONE knows the bearer of bad news always dies!

-Rachel opens a portal to the underworld and AM11 falls through. Screams are heard along with Cerberus's growls-

Rachel: Now that that's finished with, it's time to introduce some important guests. The first is Evilhunterperson, who will be called Evil from now on!

-Audience claps as Evil walks on stage-

Evil: Hello, Dr. Rachel! Before we start, I just wanna say—

Rachel: Sorry Evil but we don't have time! Angel grows restless in her cage!

Evil: But I thought you poofed people here. You catch and cage them first?

Rachel: Uh…Here's Connor!

-Someone off-stage shoves a teenage, weary-looking, and hunched boy onto the set-

Rachel: Jeez he looks scared.

Evil: Oh, he's always like that.

Rachel: -rushing up to Connor- -says happily- You're gonna die today!

-Connor dies-

Rachel: Dude what the heck!

Evil: -boredly- Scared to death.

Rachel: How un-original of me.

Someone Offstage: SHE GOT OUT!!! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!!!

-Rachel boredly presses button that puts a giant cage around the Audience-

-Audience screams and rattles cage. Some are trampled to death in the panic-

Rachel: You're not getting out! I already took your money and you're sure as heck ain't gettin' it back! I don't care if Angel can kill you all!

Evil: Why are you always so mean to them?

-Rachel is interrupted by a six-year-old screeching down the studio. Anyone she passes starts to choke and pass out-

Evil: I'll stop her!

Rachel(from safe spot in rafters): Don't be a hero, boy!

Evil: I'm a girl.

Rachel: The line was incomplete without the word boy. It would sound weird if I just said, 'Don't be a hero!', wouldn't it?

Evil: I see.

Rachel: I know you're not a boy.

Evil: I know.

-Connor comes back from the dead-

Connor: What'd I miss? :D

-Angel hops on Connor and beats him up-

-Connor dies-

Rachel: I'm too lazy to figure out how to constrain this animal Angel in a short amount of time. COMMERCIAL! AND DON'T SCREW UP, YOUNG MAN JACKSON!

**_COMMERCIAL_**

Ripped Female Narrator: Are you fat and have no life?

Person Who Is Fat And Has No Life: Yes.

Ripped Female Narrator: Then you need the Maximum Workout, the household muscle-builder gym!

Person Who Is Fat And Has No Life: Tell me more!

Ripped Male Narrator: The Maximum Workout is just the size of a lab table!

Ripped Female Narrator: It IS a lab table!

Ripped Male Narrator: All you have to do is lie on it!

Ripped Female Narrator: And shoot yourself with dangerous chemicals to make you as ripped as we are!

Ripped Male Narrator: Aren't we beautiful? AREN'T WE BEAUTIFUL!?! –twitch twitch-

Ripped Female Narrator: Let's see the results of some other users!

Other User1: I LOVE THIS THING!! IT MAKE ME REALLY STRONG!! I HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS!! I DON'T NEED SLEEP!! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Other User2: This— -dies-

Ripped Female&Male Narrators: -dies-

Other User1: -dies-

Person Who Is Fat And Has No Life: -dies-

Kira: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAWSH!!1

**_END COMMERCIAL_**

-Angel is duct-taped in a cage at the hand of Evil, who had captured her by means of Holy Water. Several backstage crew, producers, and Audience Members are dead. Young Man Jackson is clearing out the corpses-

Rachel: That was hardly a commercial! Jeez, what kinds of people are sponsoring this show, anyway!?

Evil: I always wondered that.

-Connor appears-

-A pterodactyl breaks through the ceiling and grabs Connor in its talons. Its laser eyes shoot out, ruining the studio and decapitating Audience Members. Connor flails about, and is dropped by the pterodactyl. A stampede of pigs comes from offstage and tramples him to death-

Evil: You know that more people die of pig attacks than shark attacks every year?

Rachel: Sharks need more dignity.

-Angel rattles cage with her teeth-

Rachel: Oh, I almost forgot you were there, little Angel!

Angel: -growls-

Rachel: Bad mutant! Bad, bad! –squirts with water-

Angel: -hisses-

Evil: We shouldn't anger her, Dr. Rachel! She'll revert back to her natural behavior and kill us all!

Rachel: This therapy is going to be very difficult. I rather think it's impossible.

Pterodactyl: Don't give up hope! –flies away-

Evil: I wish it dead.

Rachel: Later, Evil, later! We have a rather insane/desperate/crazy/psycho/socialistic **(AN: I couldn't decide on which)** patient here!

Angel: You should let me go now.

Evil: Your mind powers don't work on us!

Angel: Max will come for me, just you wait!

Rachel: Max is schizophrenic! She probably doesn't know you're even here!!

Angel: :'(

Rachel: You're as crazy as Azula in the finale.

Evil: And disgruntled.

Rachel: You're a very disgruntled child.

Angel: Am not! I'm perfect! I'M PERRRFFEEEEEECCTTTT!!!!!!!! –spits blue fire everywhere-

Evil: It's as if you're related to Zuko and Azula…

Rachel: The first step to getting rid of a problem is admitting you've got it!

Angel: I'll lose my honor!

Evil: The family resemblance is appalling!

Rachel: Angel! I don't WANT to make up another commercial! Make this easy for me!

Angel: Only if you let me out of this cage.

Rachel: As soon as I find out James Patterson has died of a heart attack from Kira!

Angel: …

Evil: …

Rachel: You're never getting out of that cage! :D

Angel: I can tell you where to find him!

-Rachel gets Angel out of the cage so fast that even Fang was jealous-

Fang: That makes no sense!

Evil: Get outta here!

-Fang disappears-

Angel: BWAHAHAHAHAHAWSH!!! I am freeeeeeee!!!

Rachel: Stupid girl! You're still taped up! Now tell me where I can find James Stupid Patterson so I can rip his limbs apart one by one!

Angel: It feels as if I'm always taped up! My life is nothing but a two-sided silvery and sticky substance! –sobs-

Rachel: -hugs Angel- It's okay, Angel. We'll cure your disgruntledness! You will no longer be an extremely annoying and nauseatingly cute child on the very verge of Mary-Sueness!!

Evil: Yeah! You'll be regular in no time! I hope…

Rachel: Are you questioning my therapedic skills!?

Evil: Therapedic isn't a word!

Rachel: SAYS WHO

Evil: SAYS MICROSOFT WORD 2007!

Rachel: OH REALLY!?

Angel: Uh, guys? You forgot about my disgrutledness. I need attention!

Evil: YA REALLY!!

Rachel: OH _REALLY_!?

Evil: YA, _REALLY_!!

Rachel: OH, _**REALLY**_!?

Evil: YA, _**REALLY**_!!

Connor: Yeah, really!

Evil&Rachel: SHUT UP CONNOR!!!!

Connor: Aw, man.

Angel: GUYS!!! _**ATTENTION!!!!**_

Connor: I better die with DIGNITY this time!!

Rachel: EVERYONE STOP USING CAPITAL LETTERS AND ECLAMATION!!!!

Evil: OH NO!! I CAN'T STOP!!!

Connor: IT'S A DISEASE!!

ANGEL: OUR NAMES ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS NOW!!!

RACHEL: NO, THAT'S NOT PART OF THE DISEASE!! I JUST DID THAT 'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA TURN CAPS LOCK ON THEN OFF REPEATEDLY WHEN I HAD TO TYPE OUR NAMES AND THEN WHAT WE SAID!!!

EVIL: YOU'RE SOO LAZY!!

RACHEL: WHAT OF IT!?!

CONNOR! THE DISEASE IS TAKING ME!!!! THE COLON IN FRONT OF MY NAME HAS TURNED INTO AN EXCLAMATION POINT!!!!!!!

RACHEL: THAT _WASN'T_ A RESULT OF MY LAZINESS!!! IT WOULD ONLY MAKE MORE WORK FOR ME!!!!

EVIL: CONNOR, YOU'RE DYING FROM THE CAPITAL-LETTER-AND-EXCLAMATION-POINT DISEASE!!!

CONNOR! DANGIT, I WANTED DIGNITY!!!

RACHEL: HA!!

ANGEL: _**AAATTTTTEEEEEENNNNTTTTIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

-Connor dies-

Evil: I guess the disease died with him. But it was probably you being lazy again.

Rachel: How'd you guess?

-Angel is unconscious from lack of attention-

Rachel: Crap.

Evil: What're we gonna do now?

Rachel: I'm tired.

-silence-

Evil: Wanna go get some quositos? **(AN: Pronounced: co-seet-ohs. They're pastries with cheese and almost-melted sugar on the top. They're amazingly delicious!)**

Rachel: Yeah!

Evil: You know, quositos taste a lot better when you put them in the toaster oven for just a little while.

Rachel: Really? I didn't know that.

-Evil and Rachel leave to go get some quositos from Wal-Mart, leaving an unconscious Angel wrapped in duct tape, the Audience still in a cage, and a suddenly re-appeared Connor-

Connor: Where'd they go?

Audience Member22: They left us here! Please, get us out!

Connor: -shrug- Maybe later.

Audience Member22: I curse thee with laziness! You will die a twenty year old man with the weight of a whale!

Connor: I've died too many times for that to scare me.

-Old Man Jackson appears with a laser gun and pitch-fork-

Old Man Jackson: BWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Connor: You missed them by that much.

Audience Member33: This was your great plan you've been thinking of for over two episodes? A laser gun and a pitch-fork with a horrible battle cry?

Old Man Jackson: I was in traffic, okay?

Connor: That doesn't make any sense!

-Connor dies of a heart attack-

Kira: BWAHAHAHAHAAAAWSH!!!!

**END OF CHAPTER FIVE**

Angel: Wait—wait! What about me!?

Rachel: What ABOUT you, Angel?

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!! Sorry for the extra extra long long long loooooooooooooooonnnnng wait. But now it's summah time, and I only have one week of volunteering left! So *hopefully*, I'll be updating sooner and sooner.**

**How did you like it? AND THIS TIME, I WANT MORE VOTES, YOU HEAR?? The only reason why I did angel was because I thought it would be better if she and Connor were in the same chapter. You can go to Evilhunterperson's page. Just look for one of her comments in the review place, there's bound to be one there.**

**Wow. This has been 11 pages.**

**Dr. Reminder says: Remember to R&R!!**

**PEOPLE LEFT TO THERAPIZE (which, according to Microsoft Word 2007 is indeed a word): GAZZY, ARI, JEB, AND JAMES STUPID PATTERSON. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, EITHER LEAVE A REVIEW SAYING SO OR PM ME. I WILL THEN PM YOU WITH QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CHAPTER.**

**Thanks! AND LEAVE A REVIEW. XD**


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